Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
