I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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