You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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