My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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