At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
