then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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