what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
