I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
