Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
