I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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