Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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