just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
