Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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