I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
