I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
