sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
