suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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