I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
