the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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