i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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