Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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