Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
