Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
