I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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