goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A+ Viking dick
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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