Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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