Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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