I'm eating all of the evidence.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
