hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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