Soap is not a condiment
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
