So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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