roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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