it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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