my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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