Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Even my vagina gasped.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
