barbara walters just said penis...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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