and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize