so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
