Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
