the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize