do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
