I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
