So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
