dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize