Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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