This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
