i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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