Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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