I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
