The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
