I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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