I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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