What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
