She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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