smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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