I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
