my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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