Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
