At least make sure they are 18
Why
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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