they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i think my cat just said my name.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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