drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I checked into jail on foursquare
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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