Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
