i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
