And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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