I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
