Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
